God > Sin

Since I was in middle school, I have struggled with an addiction to porn. I always felt so ashamed and dirty and disgusted with myself. I thought no one else would be able to understand, or I would be judged. I had trouble seeking a relationship with God because I thought before I could know him I had to be free of this sin. And when I did begin to have a relationship with Him, I thought He would miraculously take away my desire to watch porn. I felt frustrated when I constantly fell back into this sin, and I beat myself up all the time. It definitely drew me further from God instead of towards him, because I didn’t think I was worthy of his love and forgiveness. I wouldn’t talk about this with anyone except my mom, because I was so scared of rejection and I was so desperately ashamed.

One common misconception I realized to be false is that when you become a Christian and seek a relationship with the Lord, all of your sins will disappear along with your desire to sin. Unfortunately sin is a part of all of us—a disease; “Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.”-Colossians 3:5. As long as we are on this earth, our earthly bodies have sin in us. We can never get rid of our sinful nature, we can only try to overcome it. It’s not about how many times we fall back into sins—it’s about how we get back up and turn to God for forgiveness and continue to strive away from sins.

We won’t be healed right away either. When I started to truly know God, I thought after a month or two of having devo time I would suddenly be healed from my addiction, and when that wasn’t the case I got upset. It wasn’t that I blamed God, but I blamed myself. Even when I did all the “right”

things, I still found myself tempted by the devil. But God tells us:

“No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” God allows us to be tempted because he wants us to have self control and resist the temptations.

Over the years I started to realize that I was desiring these sinful things a lot less. I learned what tempted me or led to temptation and I avoided it. I choose to live in the Spirit rather than to live in the flesh—because it is still a struggle I will always face since sin will never go away. What started as an addiction that consumed my whole life is now a testament to the grace and glory of the Lord our God—because he did heal me from this sin, it just took a lot longer than I thought it would. He has taken my sin and shame and made me pure and holy in his eyes. And through all of this I have grown to love Him and know his grace more deeply than ever.

If anyone is going through this or something similar—a sin that consumes you and makes you feel dirty and unworthy of God’s love—I just want to tell you that you ARE worthy and you ARE loved. Your identity is not found in your sins, but in God! You are not alone in your struggles!

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.”- 2 Corinthians 5:17